


Look No Further

by Erestorandfin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27085126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: Hard to summarise this one. It's my version of Kathryn and Chakotay's love story. Some angst, but also much happiness.As Kathryn awaits the result of the inquest evaluating her actions in the Delta Quadrant, she remembers the time spent on New Earth.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 14
Kudos: 65





	Look No Further

**Author's Note:**

> This story is split between two different locations, New Earth, and Earth.  
> ~~~ indicates a time change, which may be short (ie hours) or longer (days/weeks) but no change of setting.  
> *************** indicates a change of time & setting
> 
> This story is inspired by Inspired by ‘Look No Further’ by Dido. Highly recommend listening prior to reading. 
> 
> Many thanks to Mary S for beta reading this!

**Look No Further**

I might have been a singer

Who sailed around the world

A gambler who wins millions

And spent it all on girls

I might have been a poet

Who walked upon the moon

A scientist who’d tell the world

I discovered something new

I might have loved a king

And been the one to end a war

A criminal who drinks champagne

And never could be caught

But among your books

Among your clothes

Among the noise and fuss

I've let it go

I can stop and catch my breath

And look no further for happiness

And I will not turn again

Cause my heart has found its home

~~~

“Chakotay, you know we have to go back.”

He swallowed and nodded, not meeting her eyes. They had gone over everything so many times. But it didn’t make it easier.

“I know, Chakotay. I don’t want to either. But they need us, we promised we would get them home. They all risked their lives to come back for us.” Her voice was calmer, but even she couldn’t keep the tremor from it. They both knew what she was saying.

“Chakotay, please look at me.” She gently pushed up his chin, forcing his deep eyes to focus on her.

“I have to do this. Please don’t think it’s easy for me. Don’t think for a second that I don’t wish we were staying here. That I won’t wish it every step of the way home. But it doesn’t change what we have to do. I know it’s going to be difficult. We are going to have days where we can’t bear to face the universe. Days when we don’t know how to keep going. 

“If I could make this easier by promising to always put you first, I would. But I can’t, and you wouldn’t believe me if I did. But I want you to know something Chakotay. I can’t always put you first. But I promise whenever I can, whenever it’s my choice, I will always choose you.” She sighed, closing her eyes. When she opened them, he could see them bright with unshed tears. 

“Whatever it takes, I will get us there. But it’s going to be a long road. As much as it will hurt us both, I’ll need you by my side, Chakotay, to trust you will tell me when I’m wrong. To help me when I falter. To…understand when I make decisions that puts one of us in danger that I have to do it. I won’t always have a choice. But please remember my promise to you. Please don’t give up on me.” 

He saw everything she wanted to say, all the words that would never come. He understood what she was sacrificing to get them home. If anyone else saw her, he doubted they would notice anything except her usual calm, collected manner. But he knew. The tension just under her jaw, the whitening of her knuckles. Her steely glint of a decision made was there, but her eyes were slightly wider as she tried to suppress the tears just below the surface. She was suffering far more than she wanted him to know. And he knew no matter how hard it was, he needed to let go. He couldn’t make it more difficult for her, not when she was barely holding herself together. She didn’t want this anymore than he did, but she was the Captain, and it was her responsibility to make the tough decisions, to give up her own freedom for the needs of the many. He tried to smile but it was just too difficult, and he regretted not being able to show as much strength as her. 

“Whatever it takes Kathryn. I understand. I won’t forget.”

They shared one last bittersweet kiss, filled with all the promise of what they should have had, the feeling of their hearts desperately beating in anguished hope that they could keep the moment from slipping away. That somehow the next moment wouldn’t come, the moment where their hearts could no longer be together.

But it did, and their coming apart was every bit as heart wrenching as they had feared. She gave him the strongest smile she could manage, squeezing his hand. 

“Are you with me Chakotay?”

“Always.” 

She nodded gratefully. 

“It’s time.” She let go of his hand, and pressed her fingers to her chest, against her freshly reinstated comm. badge. 

“Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up.”

***************

Kathryn fought to remain upright and appear to be listening as the committee droned on and on. It had been going on for months, but this was the last day. She would finally find out what they had decided to do with her. More importantly, after today she would finally be allowed to see her second family again. In order to protect the integrity of the investigation, no contact had been allowed between anyone from Voyager until the last investigation was complete. This one.

She had cherished the time with her mother and Phoebe, but she had spent the last seven years with her Voyager family, and she missed them. The whole crew had been involved to varying extents. While everyone had faced an in-depth grilling, the senior staff had been subjected to an even more thorough interrogation, and hers had understandably gone on the longest.

Despite the tone of the enquiries, the almost accusatory questions, the outcome of those already completed had been positive. Starfleet had accepted her assurances that the former Maquis were trustworthy, and after reviewing all the logs, witness statements and years of work reports, had agreed to pardon them. The option to stay with Starfleet, to join another ship was there too, although few took it. They had been apart from their families for too long, and wanted nothing more than to keep their feet on the ground after spending so much time trying to get back here. Talks on alternative options were still ongoing.

As for her hearing, she had no more questions to answer. There were no more logs to submit. No more witness statements to collect. Now she just had to sit through the summarising of the information by the head of the panel, and they would tell her their decision.

As expected, considering how long it had taken to assemble all the information, the summary was not brief. She had been sitting here for about seven hours now without saying a single word. She might as well have been a pot plant for all the input she had. Distressingly, it had been seven hours without a cup of coffee. Thanks to cravings combined with the overwhelming heat of the small meeting room, she was finding it more and more difficult to keep track of what the head of the panel was saying. In spite of herself, her mind began to wander, her eyes taking on a slightly glazed appearance.

***************

Everyone I'll never meet

And the friends I won't now make

The adventures that there could have been

And the risks I'll never take

But among your books

Among your clothes

Among your noise and fuss

I've let it go

I can stop and catch my breath

And look no further for happiness

And I will not turn again

Cause my heart has found its home

~~~

“Kathryn?”

She looked up from where she was kneeling, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. Unknowingly she left a smudge of dirt from her fingers. Her face broke out into a wide smile at the sight of him.

“Chakotay! I thought you were going to be gone all day?” 

Chakotay grinned at her and brought out a basket from behind his back. “I had planned to keep working, but it’s just such a beautiful day. I thought maybe I could tempt you with a picnic? That is,” he said, gesturing to the garden “If the planting can wait until tomorrow?”

“Well, how could I resist such a charming offer? Just let me finish this row and I’ll get cleaned up.”

When she was finished, Kathryn began to head towards their shelter, only to find herself pulled back as Chakotay took her hand. “I just need to change and we can...”

“No. Like this. You are perfect like this.” She laughed and he noticed the delicate flush over her freckled cheeks. “Perfect?” 

“Well, almost perfect…” Putting down the basket, he brushed away the smudge on her forehead gently with his thumb, and absentmindedly tucked a loose strand of hair back behind her ear. “There. Perfect.”

“At least let me wash my hands Chakotay. While I’m sure you have prepared a wonderful feast, I’m not sure it will be improved by seasoning it with earth. Look at them, I’m filthy! And so are you now!” She gestured to the hand he was refusing to let go, now as grimy as hers. 

“No. We’ll walk along the river, we can wash there.” His sheer joy of being able to ‘seize the moment’ was infective, and she couldn’t help but be caught up in his excitement. Realising he could not be dissuaded, and with no real reason to object, she let him lead her down the path through the trees, heading towards the river.

~~~

They ate in a sunlit clearing after washing their hands in the pleasantly warm river. Chakotay sat with his back against a tree, stretched out and relaxed, watching Kathryn as they shared stories. She sat in the middle of the blanket he’d brought, facing him with legs pulled up in front of her and held by her arms, her chin resting on her knees. She listened intently as he told her of the time he had caused an evacuation of a transport vessel when an experiment he had ‘securely packed’ came loose and decided to self-ignite, filling the vessel with smoke within seconds. Luckily it hadn’t left the space dock yet, so the worst of it was the severe reprimand he got for bringing dangerous items on board without suitable safety precautions.

She was laughing so hard at his impression of the furious First Officer that there were tears streaming down her face, and she had to lean back, bracing herself on her hands as she tried to calm down. As she stretched her legs out in front of her for balance, her entire body appeared to heave with her laughter. He seemed amused by her delight, accepting with good humour the joke at his expense. Her laughter was so different here, unrestrained, pure.

In return, Kathryn told him of all the hated camping and backpacking her parents had made her do in her youth, including the time she ‘accidentally’ set her tent on fire to try and cut the trip short.

“But I clearly wasn’t as much of a criminal mastermind as I thought, our parents were suspicious from the moment I started explaining what had happened. They didn’t manage to get me to confess or trip up on my story, but they did make me share Phoebe’s one man tent for the rest of the trip. So I still had to sleep on the uncomfortable ground, only now I had Phoebe kicking me all night. She sleeps more heavily than I do, and apparently dreams about dancing the Highland fling.” Chakotay’s laughter was much deeper than hers, imagining the indignance of the younger Janeway when she realised how her plan had backfired. 

“Did you…err… often try to solve problems with fire? Just asking so I know whether to hide the matches or not, you understand…We do sort of live in a very flammable area.” She punched him softly in the arm, but grinned back.

“Matches? My parents had too accurate an understanding of the lengths I would go to get out of camping to give me access to incendiary devices. I had to be a bit more creative than that…”

And as her blue gaze peered at him from under long lashes, with the most innocent face she could manage, there were no words to describe how beautiful she was to him.

~~~

They had spent most of the day wandering along the river, gently exploring but in no hurry to get anywhere in particular. It was starting to get dark, but neither of them wanted to suggest heading back. So they kept walking until the light was completely gone, and only then did they stop, and turn towards home. 

“The stars are breath-taking here, Chakotay. I could watch them forever. I can’t believe we’ve been here so long and I’ve never noticed.”

“Then let’s stop and watch them. We have time, we can lie here and watch the universe moving around us. We don’t have to be anywhere but here.”

He put the blanket down on the dry sand bank next to the river, and indicated for Kathryn to follow as he lay on his back. Lying there, they were aware of nothing but the bright stars, and their soft breathing. Almost without them knowing it, their hands slid together between them. 

“I used to love astronomy when I was a child. One year my parents got me a telescope for my birthday, I don’t think I slept more than a few hours a night for about a month. I kept sneaking out of the house to stargaze from the fields behind our house, until one night my parents noticed I was missing and started a full scale panic. They woke all our neighbours to help search before they found me. My father, he was…not pleased. The sun had started to come up by the time he had finished lecturing me on being responsible. After that I stopped sneaking out. Well,” She amended with a wry smile “at least not so often. I just couldn’t ever get enough of what’s out there. It was one of the reasons I wanted to join Starfleet...”

She sighed, remembering the stars she would probably never see again. He squeezed her hand reassuringly, and moved closer, sliding his free arm behind her so she could rest the back of her head in the nook of his arm, their clasped hands now resting on her stomach. He pressed a barely there kiss to the top of her hair. They lay together in silence, just watching the stars, and like many nights before, wondered if they would ever be amongst them again. But it was no longer a sad thought. She thought she would be perfectly content with staying right here in his arms until the end of her days. 

~~~

Chakotay woke with surprise, as he realised they had drifted off, wrapped together as they watched the sky. Kathryn was still asleep, but now she had curled around him, her face tucked under his chin, her tiny body pressed to his side as she held onto him tightly. Her hand was resting on his chest, with his own on top. 

He wanted nothing more than to stay like that, but it was deep into the night now, and he could feel how chilled her hand and face were.

But he couldn’t bear to disturb her sleep. Her face was so relaxed, free from any worries or responsibilities. He felt a pang as he realised he had never seen her face without the strain of constant vigilance, already prepared to react to the next dangerous situation. They may have had periods of calm on Voyager, but for her the pressure never stopped. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing, she was always the Captain. 

He knew she still worried about Voyager, but with the knowledge that she could no longer do anything for them, she had finally found peace. She could just be Kathryn, she could accept her own thoughts and needs without guilt. 

He eased her forward, very gently, sliding one arm under her knees, another around her shoulders, determined not to wake her as he carefully scooped her up, and began to carry her back home. Her face rested against him and she murmured sleepily, but didn’t open her eyes. When they got back to their shelter, he realised her hands were tightly gripping his shirt, and as he knelt next to her bed to lay her down, she didn’t seem to be interested in releasing it. 

“Kathryn” he whispered but she didn’t let go. 

He desperately wanted to let her rest, afraid if he woke her she would struggle to fall asleep again. She was such a poor sleeper. Slowly he began to pull the shirt over his head, carefully manoeuvring so he wasn’t pulling her hands with his movement. As it came free he let it go, and she pulled it tightly against her. Still deeply asleep, she buried her face in the shirt, breathing in his scent as she tucked it under her head and against her chest. She smiled as though comforted, and Chakotay felt himself fall in love with her all over again.

~~~

It had been an exceptionally hot day, and the evening was still warm, so when Chakotay returned she suggested they take a bottle of wine and go to watch the stars again. He was quick to agree, and so after he had washed and changed, he found her waiting with a basket filled with wine and fruit. “Even I can usually safely replicate fruit” she explained, shooting a rueful glance at the replicator, “I imagine you are hungry, but I wasn't sure I dared ask for anything more complicated. It’s too risky when our resources are so limited.” 

The riverbank was the best place for stargazing, as it was mostly clear from the trees that would obstruct their view of the skies. He picked up their blankets as they left. If she fell asleep again, he wanted to make sure she stayed warm this time.

She took off her shoes as they reached the river, feeling the sand still hot under her feet. Moving closer, she let the shallow water lap against her ankles as they looked for the perfect location. The water was still surprisingly warm.

Eventually they settled for a spot where the river bank was widest, giving them plenty space to set up on the sands. There was a large rock on one side which Chakotay propped himself against as Kathryn poured them both a glass of wine. He helped himself to the soft fruit, thankful that they tasted as good as they looked. You never could tell with food Kathryn replicated. He looked at her guiltily as he thought it, and by the glint in her eye he could tell she knew exactly what he had been thinking.

“Now you know they are not poisoned, are you going to share them with me?”

“You don’t usually ask before taking my things, Kathryn. My replicator rations, my shirt…”

She pretended to be wounded by his words. “That is most unjust. You know it’s in your best interest to keep me caffeinated. And I wasn’t even conscious when your shirt somehow made its way into my bed, so you can’t blame me for that. ”

“So you’re not planning to keep it then, I can expect it back?”

“I can’t help you there, I think it mysteriously disappeared… Maybe the monkey took it?” Her half-mischievous, half-embarrassed look told him she knew exactly where it was, and was not going to share.

“Well, if you want them, you know where they are.” He smiled, dimples showing, indicating the spot next to him where he put the container. She raised her eyebrows, but Kathryn Janeway had never turned down a challenge before, and wasn’t about to start now.

 _If that’s how you want to play it Chakotay,_ she thought, _so be it._

And instead of sitting next to him, she nudged his legs apart and settled herself into the space between them, leaning back against his warm chest. She could feel his legs pressing against the outsides of hers, and rested her head against his chest, soothed by his steady heartbeat.

After a moment he rested his head softly against hers, his arms sliding around her to hold her safely against him. She placed her hands over his, and they both gazed into the heavens, fruit entirely forgotten.

She wasn’t aware of making a conscious decision, but at some point she shifted to be more to the left side of him, and he responded by tucking his head over her right shoulder where she had made space. When she tilted her head back towards him, she could see him looking down at her, their faces only a breath apart.

Her breath caught in her chest as their eyes met and she saw the intensity of his feelings, but she couldn’t look away. Neither of them knew who took the first step, but as their lips pressed together, it didn’t matter. It could have been either or both of them, and it was all the same as their hearts beat together. Her eyes closed as she tasted him, deepening the kiss, reaching up to rest her hand on the back of his neck.

How strange life was, Kathryn thought, that now they were on their own, it was the least alone she had ever felt.

~~~

Again Chakotay woke, unaware of when he had drifted into sleep. But it was different this time, he realised with a panic. He could still smell her delicate scent, but the warmth of her body pressing back against him was gone. Fully awake now, his eyes snapped open, sweeping his surroundings.

And then his heart stopped.

She was in the river, water up to just over her hips. She had balanced her long hair up into a delicate topknot to keep it out of her way, and he could see every inch of her beautiful silhouette in the opalescent moonlight. He glanced down as he took in her bare skin, and realised he could smell her because she had left her clothes next to his sleeping body.

He heard the water rippling around her as she moved deeper, clearly trying to be quiet so not to disturb him. His mouth was suddenly dry, and he was unaware of rising and stepping towards her until he heard a sharp snapping of a twig under foot. His heart pounded, and he cursed his carelessness.

She heard it too, and turned towards him to find the source of the noise. He could see all of her now, except for what was hidden below the waters. His eyes met hers, and she seemed to tilt her head slightly, enquiringly. And then she held her hand out towards him. 

It seemed to take him an achingly long time to understand, and for a moment he saw a flicker of doubt across her face, as though she wondered if she had misread him. He came back to his senses with a rush of heat. Hastily he shed his own clothes, making no effort to cover himself as he entered the water. He felt her eyes roaming his body, and it was clear to her then that she had understood perfectly. 

Neither spoke as he reached her, one hand coming up to touch her face, stroking softly before sliding to the back of her neck, and encouraging her forwards into his kiss. As their lips met, he felt her hot hands on his chest, burning desire into his skin. As the kiss ended to let them draw breath, he took a moment to look at her. He wanted to touch every inch of her pale skin, almost luminant in the silver light. He watched her face as he slowly ran his hands down her arms, back up over her stomach and around her back. He traced the gentle line of her collarbone, mapping every part of her with devotion.

Eventually the urge for more became too strong, and one palm found her breast, gently kneading as the other slid lower. She adjusted her position, allowing him easier access to where he sought. She whimpered as he bypassed her centre, instead rubbing soft circles over her inner thighs, but his touch was generating sparks of desire, and as he moved closer she started to rock gently against him, pleading for more. His fingers found her heat, probing gently before rubbing her clit. She jerked uncontrollably, and he caught her lips again, offering her the stability of his calm determination as he slid a finger inside her, only to find his own resolve faltering at the feeling. He desperately wanted to take this slowly, but now he was having to fight his instinct to be inside her as soon as possible. He pulled her closer, letting his body know the feel of her soft skin. 

“Kathryn...” he groaned.

“Yes.” she whispered, pressing closer, letting his hands find her hips before pushing hard off the riverbed with her feet as he lifted her. She held on with her arms around his neck, legs wrapping around his waist and bringing them back into close contact. She could feel him hot against her entrance now, and his hips tentatively pressed forward, just enough for the head to slip inside but no more. They both moaned at how tight she was, and he tried to pull back but she held him with her legs, forcing him to stay inside her.

“No, more Chakotay, please…” His face was hesitant, but he followed her lead, slowly sinking deeper into her until he could go no further. Their foreheads resting together, they both panted at the sensations assaulting their bodies. She angled her face towards him to capture his mouth again. His arms wrapped up under her arms to rest one on the small of her back, one the nape of her neck. Using the water to help balance her weight, he slowly pulled back and sank into her again, their whole bodies in contact as he held her in a tight embrace. He could feel soft tears of joy on his cheeks, but he didn’t know if they were hers or his. He knew he could never want anyone but her for the rest of his life.

He increased the pace, but only slightly, and Kathryn’s head fell back, forcing their lips to part. Moving his mouth to her neck, he gently kissed her as the fingers on her nape caressed her delicate skin. She tried to encourage him to move faster, but he was determined to hold onto this first time for as long as they could. Her breasts brushed against his chest as Chakotay slowly made love to her, and she felt her release growing closer despite his unhurried pace.

As though he knew, Kathryn felt a soft hand slip from her back to her side, delicately trailing up over her abdomen, and under the soft curve of her breast, running over the edge and gently circling without touching her nipple. He encouraged her to relax her arms from around his neck. And then he dipped her until her back lay along the surface of the river, his hands supporting the small of her back under the water. He flicked across her nipple with his tongue, then the other, teasing them into stiff peaks, releasing a stream of whimpers and moans from her. She was so close now, his slow burning love setting every part of her aflame. 

He brought her head back towards him for a kiss, and as she held onto his neck once more, she was too far gone to notice his hands returning to her hips. Breaking the kiss, he leaned forward, and using both hands he pulled her down towards him, pushing as deep as he could, and whispered into her ear “Kathryn, I love you.” 

She couldn’t respond as she fell over the edge, could barely breathe as her body was overrun with her own emotions, with the endorphins her body released in response to his actions. But he understood. He tenderly cradled her trembling body tight against him, pressing his cheek against her hair, gently whispering to soothe her as she came back down. He was still tightly wound but he held back from moving, wanting to hold onto this moment as long as he could. He knew this time the tears were his as they dripped into her hair. 

She didn’t notice they had left the water until she felt him gently laying her down on their blanket, never breaking their connection. She let her legs fall on either side of him so he could settle between them. He held himself up on his arms, looking down at her with such adoration that her heart broke for all the times she had taken his affection lightly. She didn’t know why she deserved such love, but she knew despite her best intentions, her heart felt the same for him, even if it had taken her longer to realise it. 

“I love you too Chakotay. I’m sorry I didn’t...” but he silenced her. It didn’t matter anymore. 

They lay there all night, alternating between watching the stars and making love in the soft sands. The morning found them pressed tightly together, his body wrapped protectively around hers. 

~~~

Chakotay leaned back against the large tree with Kathryn’s head resting sleepily in his lap as he held up a book in one hand. Her eyes were closed, but she could see the fluttering shadows of the leaves above them as they moved in the gentle breeze. She felt the warm sun falling onto her skin, and the fingers from Chakotay’s free hand running lightly up and down her arm absentmindedly.

As he read to her, she focused on his voice, imagining the picture he was painting in his reassuring tone. She could feel the methodical rise and fall of her own chest as she lay serenely in the grass, just enjoying being.

And finally, with each breath, she could feel herself letting go of their former life. There were so many things they would never do, places they would never go. But she knew that for everything they had lost, they had gained something far more important.

And if she had the choice, she wouldn’t have traded back for anything.

~~~

“I have something to show you, come here and look.” Kathryn willingly complied, resting her hands against his shoulders as she leaned forward to see the computer he was working on.

“What do you think?”

“A boat!”

“You said you wanted to explore the river. I think I could build this.”

“We could go on a camping trip!”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I seem to remember some tent related arson…”

“I promise I will not set fire to anything… well maybe some marshmallows if we can get the replicator to behave.” She grinned, ready to begin a new project with him. He knew he would never tire of her vibrancy, her diminutive form bursting with life.

“I'm not sure we could fit the bathtub in the boat...”

“Well, that's all right. I'll have the river.” He glanced up at her, and although she kept her face neutral, he knew they were both remembering the same thing. She bent to kiss him, her body beginning to warm at the memory of his worship of her, half submerged in the warm water. As though from far away, they both became aware of a faint clicking noise.

“Chakotay, do you…”

“Yes.” He already knew what it was, although he hoped he was wrong. But as he pulled out their comm. badges, the hope was dashed.

“To Captain Janeway, do you read me? This is Tuvok calling Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Please respond.”

Kathryn stood rigidly, as composed as she was able in her shock. “This is Janeway.”

“Captain, it's good to hear your voice. We have news.”

“What is it?”

“We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition. We plan to be in orbit within thirty hours.” The badge slipped from her fingers.

And Chakotay saw something that very few people ever would, something he never wanted to see again as long as he lived. He saw Kathryn break. As she heard Tuvok’s words, everything they had built here was shattered. Her head dropped, turning away to hide her tears.

He gathered her close to him as she sobbed into his chest for all the promised tomorrows that were about to be ripped away from them. 

***************

“...Captain Janeway?” The head of the panel addressed her questioningly.

She started, realising all five of the Admirals making up the panel were looking at her. She flushed lightly, trying to make it look as though she had just been thinking about what he had said, despite having no clue what it was. Hopefully they didn’t ask any questions about it.

“Sorry Admiral, it’s just very hot in here, I’m not used to sitting still for so long. Please go on.”

“Yes, well, as I was saying, we have come to a decision regarding your actions as Captain, and as a representative of Starfleet, during your time in the Delta Quadrant. While there are individual instances where your behaviour could be seen as reckless, we feel it would be easy to underestimate the pressure you must have faced. The responsibility for bringing the crew who survived the initial incident back to the Alpha Quadrant, a journey which could have taken several lifetimes, was met with determination, and strong leadership. We could not find a single member of your crew who criticised your ability to make the difficult decisions needed to get them home. Such loyalty is hard won, particularly considering you started with two entirely separate crews. It is unfortunate that there were some losses along the way, but it is always the risk with exploration of unknown territory, and we are satisfied that as far as was practically possible, you acted in the best interest of those serving under you.

It is therefore the decision of the panel that while your actions in the Delta Quadrant did not always meet Starfleet standards, the exceptionally difficult circumstances do provide adequate justification. There will be no charges brought against you or any member of your crew for their actions. You and your crew are to be commended for completing your voyage despite the overwhelming odds.”

She let out a sigh, feeling the tension she hadn’t even noticed in her shoulders relax. No matter how she had justified her actions to herself, there had always been doubt. Doubt that a better Captain could have done more, got them home quicker, prevented more casualties.

“Additionally, we have decided that your actions deserve recognition, and you are hereby promoted to Vice-Admiral.”

Her eyes widened, caught off guard. A slight look of alarm in her eyes made one of the Admirals laugh.

“Don’t worry Katie, we are not planning to force you into desk work quite yet.” 

The lead Admiral shot a look at Patterson, clearly meant to chastise him for interrupting his well-planned speech, and for his informal manner during an official investigation. It sort of worked, as he did sit back and stop talking. But he also winked at Kathryn when the lead Admiral turned away. She grinned. Thank god someone else admitted how tedious and overly formal this all was.

“As I was trying to say, we want to make use of your unique experiences. Although you will be an Admiral, you will also be Captaining the USS Ursus, one of a fleet of ten which you will be overseeing. Their Captains will report directly to you. The Ursus is intrepid class, the same as Voyager but we have made a few updates. Eventually we hope to integrate some of the technology you brought back with you. But that will take time for us to study and evaluate. It will be a deep space mission, exploration, although as you know we can’t predict what we will encounter on these types of missions. The ship is almost ready for release, and you will be leaving in three weeks for...”

“No.”

This time she could feel them all, even Patterson, looking at her in disapproval. It was completely inappropriate for her to interrupt the head of the panel for any reason.

“What do you mean no? If you require longer, we can perhaps push the launch another week but...”

“I’m sorry Admiral, that’s not what I meant. I meant I will not be going on the Ursus, regardless of when it leaves. I’m very grateful for this unique opportunity you are offering, but the answer is no.”

This time it wasn’t her that was taken off guard. Not a single one of them, for all their experience, knew how to react to this. 

“As you have made your decisions regarding my conduct, can I take it that this investigatory matter is closed?”

“Yes, however...”

“Thank you. You will have my resignation on your desk by the end of tomorrow. Now, there is something I have waited for five years to do, and it cannot wait a moment longer. May I be dismissed, Sir?”

Dazed, the head of the panel nodded. She rose and headed to the door, giving no indication that any of her actions were anything but ordinary, expected.

“You know,” She said, stopping at the door and gripping the handle, “it really was my dream to be an Admiral. But I understand more now about not letting life pass me by.” She turned back to them before she left, looking thoughtful.

“There was not a single day that passed during our journey that I didn’t fear tomorrow would take away for good the one person I cared most about, and I would never be able to tell him how I felt or say goodbye. Every day I had to send my friends, the only family I had left, to potentially meet their deaths, and wonder if they would come back. I’m sure you all have someone that fears that for you. Starfleet isn’t everything, and I can’t do that to someone I love anymore. If those people who care for you don’t know how you feel about them, tell them. Tell them now, before it’s too late.”

Patterson and Paris shared a glance. They didn’t know what had prompted this speech, but they did understand one thing. There was no one else quite like Kathryn Janeway.

~~~

“Kathryn?”

As expected, she saw him sitting on one of the benches lining the corridor outside the hearing rooms. His inquiry had ended a week ago, but she knew he wouldn’t be able to rest until he confirmed she was ok. He looked at her anxiously. She smiled at him, trying to show him her overwhelming happiness to finally be here with him.

“It’s okay, Chakotay. They decided my actions in the Delta Quadrant were justified due to our extraordinary circumstances. We are “to be commended for completing our voyage despite the overwhelming odds,” she laughed gently.

He smiled too, but she couldn’t help notice that it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He hadn’t been happy for a long time, she knew. They didn’t speak of it, but they both knew the terrible strain the last five years had placed on their relationship. Even this news, news that should have been a relief, seemed bitter to him. She was aware he had declined Starfleet’s offer to remain with them.

“So where to next, Captain?”

“Admiral, actually...’”

“They want to tie you to a desk? Have they met you?” She laughed again, feeling free for the first time in five years.

He knew that laugh, he had spent so much time trying to draw it out from her as often as possible. A laugh he hadn’t heard since New Earth. Since then, even that had been restrained.

“No, they think I would be more use in the field given my experience. As to where next, home, Chakotay.”

“Indiana? They didn’t offer you another commission?”

“No, not Indiana. And they did, Captain of the USS Ursus, leading a fleet of ten into deep space three weeks from now.” He swallowed. She could tell that despite her promise, it was hard for him to believe after all this time that she would be able to keep it. If she didn’t plan to stay with Starfleet, exposing herself to this gruelling process seemed ludicrous.

“But I didn’t accept it.”

“Three weeks? That doesn’t seem like enough time to recoup after a seven year mission. It’s to be expected that you would want to spend some time planet side. If you take a break, I’m sure you would be able to face it again. Could they not delay the mission?”

“That’s not why I said no, Chakotay.”

He looked at her again, appraisingly, as though he could read her innermost thoughts on her body. If anyone could, it was him. “You already made the decision before you knew the outcome of the panel.”

“I did. I made it before it started.”

“Then why did you go through it all? Not to be impolite, but you look like you have seen better days.”

She laughed.

“Would it surprise you if I said I was not offered a single cup of coffee the entire time I was in there today?” This time she got a genuine smile.

“As for why, you know me. Hold the advantage as long as you can, and plan for the unexpected.” He frowned, not really understanding.

“I thought that there was a chance, a small one, that the panel might make the wrong choice about the former Maquis. If they did, I needed to have as much strength behind me as possible. If that meant facing an inquiry to keep the option open, that’s what I had to do. I promised to get _everyone_ home, whatever it takes.”

Chakotay shook his head in disbelief, but it was directed at himself for underestimating her.

“That I can understand. But now you know how it’s played out, and you don’t need to keep an ace in the hole. Why say no? Kathryn, you love being out there, among the stars. There is still so much to discover.”

“There is. But not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved being a Starfleet officer. And I wouldn’t change the last seven years, all we have seen. Who else can say they have done what we have?

“If you’d asked me before our journey where I would be in 20 years, I would have said I’d keep exploring until I was forcibly removed. There’s so much promise, so much wonder. Every day the chance to find things beyond imagination, sights to leave you breathless. But it wouldn’t make me happy, not anymore. I’ve done what I needed to do. I’ve found everything that I desire. I need look no further. It’s time for me to stop and appreciate those things around me. There are wonderful things right here, Chakotay, things that I have had to look past. Things that more than rival anything out there.”

She moved closer, and he couldn't help but be reminded of the last time. She pushed his chin up, and for a moment he could have been back there, meeting her eyes, knowing she was about to break his heart. Loving her for her selflessness, hating her for what it cost them both.

Her face showed the strain of those five years fighting for life, her eyes haunted by the pain of all the burdens she had carried. But in his mind he couldn’t see the difference. All he could see was Kathryn, his Kathryn, the person he would have followed to the end of the stars. The pain that rested in his own heart mirrored in hers, every bit as sharp and fresh as it had been five years ago. When she spoke, her voice was much lower, serious, all traces of her laughter gone.

“Do you remember, Chakotay, what I said to you? A promise I made you so many years ago, that whenever it was my choice I would choose you. I haven’t been able to do it as often as I would have liked. I know I’ve made decisions that hurt you, deeply. I carry them with me, every single one. Every time... every time I tried so hard to find another option. Wished I could come to you and make you understand I would have torn my own heart out if it would have spared you. But in the end I had to make those choices, had to ignore what it did to us. I couldn’t decide we were more important than everyone else.

“But I can now, Chakotay. I can now. I choose to go wherever you go from this moment forward. I will always choose you. If...” for a second only she faltered, as if she considered asking him if it was too late. But she didn’t need to say anything. She already knew.

“I don’t want any what-might-have-beens. No more regrets. We already have enough regrets to fill our lifetimes. This is it. Right now, here with you. This is the only thing that matters to me, Chakotay. If I never so much as step from Earth for the rest of my life, I don’t care as long as I’m with you. If you want to go far from here, I understand. But I will follow you, wherever you go, until I can follow no more.

“And I think, that leaves us with just one question, and this time, Chakotay, I think it’s up to you to say it.” 

Her eyes shone with sincerity, with all the love she had had to keep tightly locked away in her heart until now. Finally they had made it, through the long road and heartbreak. 

He took her hands in his and pressed them against his chest, against his heart, as tightly as he could, and he knew he could never let her go again. 

“Are you with me Kathryn?”

“Always.”

~~~

I can stop and catch my breath

And look no further for happiness

And I will not turn again

Cause my heart has found its home

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first posted Voyager fanfiction, I hope you have enjoyed it!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
